Feel like giving up on rest days

It’s not been a good day to me. I woke up without any alarm at 6 o’clock, feeling weird, with some kind of deep anguish and also this regular pain.

6h50: Still couldn’t sleep at all. Antibiotics time. All of them melt extremely fast and I’m awful when it comes to drink medecins in pills. I can take them all, plus the buscopan for intestine cramps. The last medicin almost melts completely and I feel some vomit craving (ew.).

I try to read, distract myself, but I still feel sick. I woke mom and dad around 7:30 and my mom prepare some fruits for me, my dad makes some fruit salt. We all have breakfast, but I can’t eat, just some of these fruits, tea, orange juice, fruit salt, water, every single drink to try to stop feeling so sick.

(Sorry for this beautiful and positive post. I’m really awful today)

I got better, had lunch and I’m feeling sick again. I have to take the antibiotics again, but I’m not sure if I will, because I’m feeling really really bad.

I just finished watching a movie with mom and dad (they both slept in some moment of the movie and are still sleeping). When it finished, I was just there, with my dog (it’s raining and we keep her inside home during these rain episodes because she’s terrified with thunders and such things). I was thinking how tired and sick I’m and then that feeling of giving up returned.

When I’m like that, a little part of me wakes up and says:”what if you stop dancing? It wouldn’t be such a bad thing.”, “You wouldn’t need to stretch or decorate so many choreographies, or compare yourself with others because of their talent and your inability”, “you wouldn’t need to wake up so early, cross the city, spent eight hours a day at this summer intensive and come back all sore and being behind in so many things”.

I caught myself several times today picturing my life as a diplomat, studying and living abroad, learning as many languages as I can, and in any parts of this life I was so frustrated for not being enough as I’m with ballet. I don’t have the age, technique or expressions and I have already accepted that I’m not going to be a professional ballerina, so why I keep trying so hard?  Besides, I want that cosmopolitan citizen life so bad! I’m sure it’s not easy as well, but not demands any phisical ability.

That usually happens when I take a day off like today. I was so focused in that crazy rhythm that when I stop, everything falls apart and I feel terrible tired (and/or sick, as today, which rarely happens)

I’m probably going to miss all these classes and these ballet daily routine, but, right know, I feel like I’m going to feel relieved when it ends.

Which is really bad is the fact that my only rest day was spent being sick (what can you do?) and I’ll probably be extremely tired tomorrow and during the whole week.

I want to feel better soon!

I wish you health and streght to keep going,

Arissa

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